back with revenge

What's the use of the golden rule "do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you" KUNG MALI ANG GUMANTI? 

So basically, if I would follow Confucius' golden rule, what I'm doing/what I would DO is RIGHT. In my case, the rule is in the negative form. Revenge.

A single thought fired up my paranoia. Hatred got the better of me, AGAIN. And the pasts keeps on coming back, over and over in my head. I'm going crazy again. (deadly)

And my hard-earned positive disposition (especially made just for the holidays) vanished into thin air. 

Lintik lang ang walang ganti. 

I swear, someday, soon, Revenge is mine. And I'll make it last. I'll make it sweet.

For the 2 persons who made my life hell:

• Pio. I swear. you would feel what I felt when you did those mistakes. 

• For you bitch. even more. I can't imagine my hatred for you. And you'll pay for it. Even if I die because of it.

FINALLY

Pio and I broke up. (at least, that's what I thought. But there's no confirmation. lol) I haven't contacted him ever since but he still keeps on texting me like nothing's happened. For days, luckily, I've been too busy taking care of Eros and doing mommy-chores that I haven't thought of him. Unlike before when only thinking about him makes my heart ache. And it goes on for hours, and because of him and my thoughts, everyday was a depression. 

I realized now that nothing's ever going to change and improve if I'd just think of him and love. I realized that I have a new life now with Eros. That my son is my life now, my world revolves around him now.

I know, for the 3 years Pio and I were together, I made him my world and whenever he's gone he would always take my heart with him. Possessive and selfish and sinful I've became for that 3 years... I made my whole life a living shame. Self-respect, self-esteem, positive disposition... all's gone. 

It's so hard to build a new life and bring back what I have lost. 

But for the sake of Eros (and my maturing age. hahaha) I would do everything RIGHT. For the two of us.

Anyway, I talked to Pio yesterday. And I'm surprised that I haven't sensed any hatred and heartache on my part. I felt calmness and joy in just talking to him like that; casual and friendly. He listened while I'm talking to Eros, laughed when Eros would squeal and laugh and babble, and I would listen to everything he have to say. A friendly chat. And that's all there is. I cannot let myself HATE again and be that monster he made me. 

It's Christmas time anyway. It's time for my soul to have peace. At least for the holidays. And then when New Year comes, I'll be a better mother. A better person. With plans. With a bright future.

I admit, I'm still hoping for a HAPPY-EVER-AFTER for the 3 of us. But I can't expect and force that to happen soon. It's all in God's hands now. 

And I know now that God would give all of us the happy-ever-after that we deserve. 

THOUGHTS

☺ for Christmas & New Year

I don't know if my plan of going HOME to celebrate the holidays IS a good idea. First, I'm still not good in handling money & budgeting. Second, I have so many plans (all of them not practical and very costly). Third, I think I would compromise Eros's needs for my wants and impulsiveness.
Besides, I still don't know if I would HAVE that lots-of-money. I might ruin my plans for the holidays because of that assumption. Anyway, come what may, I WILL GO HOME. 

I need to unwind. I need to be HAPPY.

Eros Alekin at 6 months

arrrggh! mama is FORCING me to seat alone!!

but I still can't. see that?!

Mama found a treasure!

My uncles had these books long before mama was born!

Sesame Street Finding Out A-Z Encyclopedia of my grown up uncles! 

A bit old and dusty, but really... nothing beats a good book!

(that is, if I would stop munching on them. lol)

It would be a great help to my development.

.

What's with the big, open-mouthed drama?

guess what, I already have 2 lower teeth!

Well, you can't see them coz of the cam's flash... but you could look closer. LOL

STRESSFUL 24/7 SINGLE MOMMY DUTIES

2nd day without our mama Ikay.... *sigh*

2nd day of a stressful 24/7 mommy duties.

For the first time I felt ALL the hardships of being a single parent.

At least, there's my baby ♥Eros. ^_^

And we're much more CLOSER than ever.

 I'm contented. I'm single. I know what I want. I love my son.

I already have plans for the both of us.

At last, I'm a HAPPY mommy.

nostalgia with a friend

http://3.bp.blogspot.com

http://2.bp.blogspot.com

So, History repeats itself.

And even if how hard you try,

you can never erase the hurt 

the PAST gave you.

And forever, you'll gonna suffer

for all the right decisions

that you never chose.

Big Deal (part 1)

 

...so Pio accidentally read this JOKE thing between me and my beloved former classmate/friend. And the rest is bullshit.

Big Deal (part 2)

...so Pio haven't read this. lol

Priorities

Since recently/currently my son is my ultimate priority, because of that new simcard and the invention of unlicalls, the no. 1 place on my priority list is in DANGER. And it's because him. Everyday when everything's alright in my world and when I'm in a mood to think of those should-be-forgotten feelings, I let my self think of him. And of happy ever afters again. 

But then, at the end of the day, when something came up, something that would remind me of more doubt and hate, everything would fall into it's RIGHT place. In reality. I'm being woke up by those hateful feelings again. And started thinking of regrets. Regretting buying that new sim, and regretting having communication with him once again. And I'll be with my new sulky self again. Death of ever afters again. Thrown into reality again. Hate.

I haven't learned all my lessons. I know. Still immature. And with him, I cannot move on and have that life I deserve. Life of no regrets. Life full of love. Alone with Eros. And no heartaches everyday. 

I have the CHOICE. I can freely let myself go... I know, what my mind tells me to do is the RIGHT thing to do, but...

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Eros Alekin at 5 months

Different mood. Different expressions. Happiness

Eros's funny video:
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1625.mp4
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1626.mp4 
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1521.mp4

So it's the damned MOVIE

now tell me: am i being OA?

Someone lend me her unlicall-for-5days-simcard. And I gladly took it thinking that I could call him. Tonight is the 2nd night I used it to call him. And for 2 nights while talking to him I dont know why every little mistake (eg. when he would answer seconds late or when I don't like what he says) he made makes me super ANGRY to the point of crying. I know it's absurd and OA to be "on edge" whenever I'm talking to him but I can't help it. And I don't know why. 

Tonight, I called at 6pm. He's still in school. OK. That's just fine with me. He texted a little while that he's at the bus, going home. That's still OK. I ate dinner, played with Eros a bit, and slept a little beside Eros. I woke up at 9pm. Called him, thinking that he should be home already. He was. Said he would eat first. And I burst out again in anger. And said goodbye. After a while, I calmed down and began thinking reasonably again.

After past half an hour I called again, thinking that he's finally done eating. 

He hang up on me. My anger is back again. For twice he hang up. I'm trembling because of so much hate and anger I felt. It's not new. But it tends to make me forget my self and do something stupid like destroying the simcard (which is NOT mine) and banish him from my life forever without listening to his alibis. He texted after a while that HE'S WATCHING A MOVIE. AND HE JUST TEXT ME WHEN I can call again. After the movie. The first thing that entered on my mind: He preferred the movies, rather than  me. I called him up again in anger, he answered. And with trembling voice, I told him all the anger I felt for what he did. 

I can hear the tears in my voice, and I can't just cry my eyes out, while talking to him. I can't afford to be that helpless and vulnerable to him. Never.

He apologized over and over again. He said he won't watch the movie anymore and just talk to me all night... etc. etc.. He soothed my anger away and I gave way to REASON and calmness. I calmed. And he told me that I'm being OA... Always angry for every little thing. Angry because he would eat dinner, angry because he was low bat, angry because he's not yet home, angry because he's washing his clothes, and angry because he wants to watch a movie.

So... am i being OA?

(gosh. i hate this day. I hate my "english" on this post. sorry)

Pacquiao's Victory + Mom's 1st Birthday in Heaven

Woke up at past 11am. Said HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Nanay, said a little prayer for her, and went outside to look for Eros. To find so MANY people at the garage waiting for Manny Pacquiao's fight with Antonio Margarito. Thanks to my uncle's passion for boxing and Pacquiao, he paid for a LIVE stream for this fight. And the neighborhood are so much welcome to come and see it LIVE. 

PRAYERS really can do wonders. I noticed Manny praying many times on the ring. Before the fight, during the fight, and after the fight. I understand where all that power came from for him to defeat Margarito. But then, it's really a good fight since no one was knocked out cold and the fight lasted 12 rounds. I feel sorry for Margarito's face after the fight and even during the first part. ^_^ He really looked AWFUL. Thanks to Pacquiao's iron fist. And on second thought, I thought that of all turtles, Margarito was the SLOWEST. 

Anyway, fight's over. Manny won. And my mom is happy in heaven. (for sure she watched Manny's fight there also).

Looking forward for a more beautiful day today.

First Trip To the Church

Later this afternoon Me, Eros, and Mama Ikay went to the church to inquire about Eros's baptism. Random baptism is being held there every Sunday. 

So, this is my lesson for the day:

1. Eros can be baptized any "sunday" schedule that we want; with or without a "fixed"/registered birth certificate

2. I shoulf "fix" the birth certificate before the 'week-after-the-baptism' ends. (If I can't make it on time, somebody at the church would have no choice but to write MY surname on Eros's baptismal record.)

3. Pio SHOULD come HERE to help me fix the birth certificate of our son. (They say the father should be PRESENT when registering the birth certificate, since we're not married.)

4. Re-schedule Eros's baptism for December. (to be sure)

5. SAVE.

Love Hurts 2

Why do we let something like a LIE pass as easily when we're in love? Why do we always UNDERSTAND everything? Why do we have to be so STUPID when we're actually NOT? Why can't we just let it all stop, move on, and live a brand new life? 

It hurts. But because we don't want that love to be lost, we can accept every hurt  that came our way because of that love. Sometimes, we can't understand what's happening to us. Our mind is always battling with our heart. And it all gets complicated and absurd.

Have you ever felt 'weak-kneed' whenever hate consumes you because of love's betrayal?

A damned miserable feeling that is... And after sometime or so, you would calm. Tired. As if lifeless. And then your stupid heart would makes excuses again for those mistakes, and all over again that cycle would continue.

Love Hurts

when will I stop being stupid? when will I have a grip on my emotions? I'm so TIRED, yet I can't move on. My heart is SO tired loving someone my MIND haven't loved for a very long time. When will I stop thinking of happy ever-afters? I've been hurt many times. And NEVER moved on. Damaged. And never will heal without having REVENGE. That's what I always think of everyday. Getting even. Making his life hell. Like what he did to my life. And I loved so much that I can't let him slip from my grasp. Still got a tight death-grip on his neck. And I love every second of the way he would choke on my HATE. Oh, what satisfaction that is! When I could remind him of those unacceptable things he did in the past, and IS now suffering for it. And I'm not yet DONE. Until all hurt had died down, and all pain vanished, and scars from the past healed, I can't forgive and forget.

May God have mercy on my damned soul.

what other people SEE

11/08/10

It's really good to have other people to talk to. (most especially strangers). They would give you the best unbiased answers and advises. Facts of life. And maybe their own lessons in life.

I'm so happy I could vent out frustrations through the forums of Smart Parenting.

(not saying getting lots of ideas and answers on parenthood).

http://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parentchat/index.php?topic=21643.msg301523#msg301523

For Good?

Nov. 6, 2010. past 9 am. woke up hearing my celphone ringing. It's my boyfriend.
Well, last night he haven't called when he said he would. I'm literally wide awake at past 3am. waiting for him, and for his explanations. Nothing. Nakatulog na lang ako sa kakaisip sa mga katarantaduhan nya noon. Na hanggang ngayon nakakasakit pa rin saken. I'm Miss Bitterness, you see... Maybe for good, this morning, afetr he called, I cut my simcard to pieces. And promised myself to never have conversations and communication with him again. Since I'm getting sick thinking of his stupidity.

 Woke up again at 1pm today. Brushed my hair. AND THIS IS WHAT I EARNED. Handful of hair. falling hair. I'm getting BALD! ohmyGod. What's happening to my hair?! Everyday, I would only touch my hair, tug a little and there goes my hair....
Oh we-ll.

First Foods for Eros at 5 months

 bought this Oct. 31 at Healthy Options. During Eros's first trip to the mall. Haven't exactly planned to feed Eros since he will just turn 5 months old. (i plan on giving him his first foods when he turned 6 months)

 Tried using Pigeon's soft tip spoon at first, but shifted to dropper for ease. LOL.

doesn't want to have that kind of "mess" again when using the spoon.

 making sour faces while tasting his first food. He seems to not like apples. *maasim mode*

Sweet potatoes and bananas he liked best. ^_^

Home. And Eros had his first taste of apples. LOL. (using Pigeon's soft tip spoon)

*momma's so excited*

Effects of their MEDDLING

Nov. 14, 2010. On that upcoming day I plan for Eros to have his baptism. I'm currently planning for everything: food, ninongs and ninangs, my "outfit", Eros's "outfit", etc... etc... but I don't really know what would happen or (IF everything would HAPPEN) without the birth certificate.

Gosh, that paper's the BIGGEST problem in this occasion. And I can't do anything about it but wait for it. Wait for my uncle to arrange the papers in the city hall, wait for him to come home, waited for still NOTHING, and remind him almost everyday. Actually, I've been doing those for a month after Eros was born. 

From what I can read above, I may seem to be an irresponsible parent since I can't even arrange my son's birth certificate by myself and even ask other people/older people to arrange it for me. But then I have all the reason in the world for my "bad" attitude.

It all started days before July came and I'm so anxious because I haven't still arranged Eros's birth certificate since they said I should try to arrange all before July 10, (i gave birth to Eros on June 9). 

Me and Eros's dad is not married so at the clinic they said that the father would be the one to arrange the birth certificate at the city hall because of the fact that we're not married & all... It needed the father's signature. So I went to ask my uncle if my boyfriend could come here in our house for the two of us to arrange everything but he declined (he's just following orders from his wife, anyway...)

I'm just so effin' tired of all the "drama" in my life, they kept on meddling on everything.

They said a signature is what the birth certificate needs. "pipirmahan lang naman yan, di na nun kailangan pumunta dito." Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a crime right? is it forgery? to copy a signature and blah blah blah? THEY want to do that. Since they're so good at everything and they're more experienced on that kind of thing than a stupid teenage mom like me, I gave my uncle the paper and told him "ok. bahala kayo. kayo na lang po mag-asikaso nyan since kayo may idea ng dapat gawin...etc.etc.."

July came. August... September... October... and now, November. The month of my son's christening.

Again I reminded my uncle about the certificate, and in my mind I can see the birth certificate "rotting" in a corner, in some place I don't know. 

I said the birth certificate's the requirement for baptisms. He said my son could be baptized with or WITHOUT the birth certificate. 

10 days from now, It's the awaited day. But I can't see any improvement and any action on my uncle's part.

I plan for so many things but "they" always are blocking my way. I can't fulfill anything because of their damned meddling. 

I really hope God would help me. And show me what I should do instead. 

Eros's 1st indulgence

Eros: The sky is blue outside SM Clark. (while lying on a bench at The meeting place).

FAT

they say I still got that hot body after giving birth. some say i don't look like i've given birth. many, got envious of this 'fatless' and 'skinny' body. But my boyfriend hates my being skinny. He wanted me to have pounds and pounds of fat! He likes me to be chubby! 

Yeah, actually, I want that too... But all my life, I've never been FAT. And when there comes a time when i've gotten fat, I'm scared that my confidence in myself would be wiped out. And I'm left with what all skinny ladies despised most: FAT. 

BUT, BUT, BUT. A lil' FAT won't hurt right?

BUT, BUT, BUT. It's not as if my current bod looks like skeleton! I don't look like I'm being starved, right?

Well, I decided: FAT or NOT, I'm still confident that my boyfriend and my baby would still LOVE me. 

♥♥♥٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶♥♥♥

when a jobless TEENAGE mom PAYS for everything

Unplanned pregnancy, unfinished schooling, irresponsible boyfriend, poverty, and an idealistic and perfectionist family. What's next? It's NEVER been good to feel like what I'm feeling everyday since a year ago when my life turned a drastic change. To feel like my teenage life is suddenly stolen from me and I don't anymore have a right to enjoy acting and doing stupid things a kid is entitled to do. Maybe that's the price of having most of my teenage life 'under my control' and not my parent's. Then, for 3 years in college I've been away from home and living in a boarding house where i OWN my time and I could do anything I wanted. Everything happened in a blur. I haven't got the chance of THINKING about possibilities of me being in a wrong situation, in a wrong place, and in a wrong time. I experienced it all. Those bad influences... etc. And even having that much money monthly is HEAVEN. I took everything for granted. Selfishness of moi. I'm such a stupid kid on her way to adulthood. And then, I've gotten myself pregnant. And all hell broke loose. Until now.

Everything happened so fast, my mom died, (and all my life i would regret whatever I have done to cause her so much "sama ng loob"). And i SWEAR TO MY MOTHER's GRAVE that "THAT" person would pay for the super  pain that "she" caused to my mom months before she died. I would never forget how HATE still consumes me (even now) whenever I remember that "bitch" who attacked me while I was 9 months pregnant and the way she did it in front of my sick mother. I didn't know disrespect could do so much harm especially when other people do it to my own mother. 

I know because of teenage angst, I've been disrespectful to my mom also. But I would pay for it, someday, I'd pay it with success. 

Anyway, now that my mother's dead, I feel like the "help" she would always give to that family is now my "responsibility". I've been receiving text messages asking me money for their kid's tuition fees, bills, and necessities... etc. And I, with the desire to see my little cousins finish school and blah blah, would always promise to give what i can, even if I'm so "gipit to death narin" because I have my own son to feed. And primarily because I'm a jobless teenage mom who depends on my father's humble padala monthly. (Christ, but I'm even a "palamunin" in my relatives house). The LESSON that I would like to instill to the parents of my little cousins is that, AS PARENTS, THEY HAVE THE OBLIGATION TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR THEIR CHILDREN, AND NOT DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE. In their case, there's no room for shyness. For God's sake, they're old enough to find a job and even "make" a business for their family to move on. 

I'm currently planning to save and make them a family "business" that they would take care so that they wouldn't be asking people for money for their children. And that's the last thing I could do for them. They should strive to make my planned business a success.

Well, I'm a bit idealistic also, and whatever is happening right now in this "new life" of mine, I'ts a START. I have so much plan and I decided to take everything seriously from now on. For me and Eros's FUTURE. In 2 months time, I've no reason to act like a stupid kid again, because I'll be 20. getting ready for maturity to kick in.  *cheers*

momma's baby boy version

There was a point in my life where i so despised what i LOOK. I would do everything to make my face look like what i want it to be, lessen that big and wide-eyed look, make that pouty mouth thin, and mess with my hairdo to make my round, circular face an illusion of what shape i'd like to have.

But then, when my baby boy Eros came, I conclude that really God has a sense of humor. For making my son the mirror image of moi. ^_^

Even the way he would pout that mouth is sooo much the same as mine. The habit is very remarkable. And it's my famous habit and what people noticed the most and the reason behind family jokes.

Although there were times that I still don't want what I would see in the mirror, I accepted all that. My flaws and imperfections. Nobody ain't PERFECT. At least I'm so thankful that my boyfriend accepted everything about me, from my "flawful" appearance, to my moody disposition. And i love him for that.

A bit disappointed about our son's look (for the time being Eros looks like his momma & never got anything from his daddy, maybe after few more months... ^_^ ), but he loved our son as much as he loves me. 

Indeed, GOD has a sense of humor.

on having MONEY

LOL. Why is it that whenever we come across to having large amount of money we get this 'happy-beyond-reason-and-life-is-beautiful' feeling? 

Maybe there is truth in this saying, ''money is the root of evil", but is it, indeed? For me, (and for other poor people) there is no 'evil' in having money, but only HAPPINESS and contentment and satisfaction. hehe...

If you've been poor sometime in your life you could only wish that a taste of money for a 'second' last for a lifetime. But in the end, MONEY would be gone. It was as if you never got hold of money. And you start being SAD again, not to mention 'apathy''s back again in your life.

Good to the feeling of spending money on anything and everything you want... but it's just for a moment. And the moment would come when all money's gone again, and you could only do nothing but regret about not SAVING. 

Anyway, I'd better save for the rainy days. Learn to wipe IMPULSIVENESS away.

wala akong pera! kailangan ko mag-trabaho!!!!!

the longest sentence running on my mind since last month.

but until now, still, NOTHING. I've got nothing figured out and I can't make out plans. (maybe for some people because of the fact that i can't make out plans, I'm not that interested and determined). Well, i don't care about what others think. Because I REALLY NEED TO FIND A JOB! or at least do something worthwhile for this 'vacant' 8 months until school starts on June. (am i really going to continue school? for real? aww. hope so.)

Call Center Agent/Representative.

It's the only job i could think of for the moment. Why? Because there's no age limit, ANYBODY can apply (grad or undergrad, HS graduate), quite BIG salary, and from what i heard applying in a call center is sooo 'chicken'. I mean, it's so very easy to enter that world. (i should add "i'm willing to be trained" to my answers during interview. lol) 

I'm a Nursing undergrad. (di naman siguro ko uuwi ng luhaan, right?). And my "english" is not that poor naman, it's only 'satisfactory'. hahaha.

I'm doing this for Eros. It's time that I should think of something while passing the time. I can't think of anything to do for 8 months but WORK. I noticed that Motherhood is not that easy, not easy for a "formula-feeding" mom who every 2 weeks buys milk with that scary price. Honestly, everyday, if there's something in mind that I would like to buy for Eros, I could only do nothing but wallow in self-pity since I can't give anything to him. I feel like I'm a very unworthy parent. 

That's why i need to save. save. save. for Eros.

when would i really set my mind into it?

momma & daddy's 3rd anniversary 10-13-10

3 years ago. 16 y/o. first time to have a boyfriend. a giddy feeling. and now, i'm 19. still reckless as ever. i'm still in love with the same boy.
3 years ago. he's barely 19. why i let myself be carried away this far by that boy, i don't know. but i don't really regret the fact that before i die, i'm one of the lucky ones who knew LOVE. and the feeling of being in love.

almost a year since we last set eyes upon each other because of certain circumstances...(too complicated and risky to say those circumstances here)... its as if a part of me was missing since we part ways.
And 2 months from now, no matter what happens, i'm going to see that boy again. this time with our child, Eros.
At least for a moment, Eros would have his family complete...
maybe, if God is really merciful, he would let us go home...even if it means only a moment...or a day or two.

our love is too complicated and i don't know where to start our story, and what happened in between. and what will happen in the end.

IS THIS REAL?

22df88ce-7e8e-4df9-b3e2-4456583c7383

1.03.01

Roll over baby!

a week since Eros's 4th month... *sigh* i really shouldn't be getting this LAZY at opening my blog and writing my entries. sad to imagine that i let pass many splendid moments and haven't wrote something about it, especially those amazing feats that my now 4 month old baby can do. (actually, he can do those feats days before his 4th month. hahaha!) 

to be specific, he can now roll over... and he's now at risk of falling in bed. I wonder what happened to those "small baby" movements..."Malikot" times are here now. And he's getting real naughty. Too early for his age but nothing can take away my happiness. I'm so proud of my son's achievement. 

He has this smile that could really wipe away my pagod and puyat, (as opposed to my strong belief that babies actually CAN'T, because they really could make you look ahead of your real age). But now, since the first time he smiled and laughed, it never fails to "refresh" me... sometimes, he would look at me while i'm chatting to him... like he's paying attention to every word i say intently, and as if understanding what i'm saying, and then he would smile... sometimes, it brought tears to my eyes. 

Currently, he's more fond of sleeping on his stomach than on his back... i wonder why...

and when he's awake, he would always roll over and hold his head up high.

i'm so excited in the months to come! and his first foods!

22df88ce-7e8e-4df9-b3e2-4456583c7383

1.03.01

Eros's Favorite Habits

 BABY TALK.

"...tapos baby, what happened next?" while listening to my baby Eros mumble and coo endlessly. He LOVES talking to his mom a lot. face to face. especially every night, at past 9, when our day is just STARTING. he may be a night owl but it's ok... :) he'd outgrow that attitude soon. anyway, i wonder what's inside a baby's mind? what does Eros think while looking at me with that big, adorable eyes? he always follow my movements and from time to time he would flash that toothless smile at me, wink those dimples back to life, and kick those legs. It never failed to wipe my 'pagod' and 'puyat' away. 

LAUGHING WHILE SLEEPING.

can you believe it?? Eros can already LAUGH at 3 months old! nah. not kidding. very true. WHILE SLEEPING. heheheh. sweet baby dreams huh... can all babies do that? at first, it was just a tilt of the side of his lips and next thing i saw it's a really big smile. i wish i seriously listened to my professors and not took for granted everything they taught while discussing the sleep process...the REM...the...the...i dont know..☻

anyway, i wonder why i love looking at my son's sleeping face... i should get some sleep while Eros's still fast asleep right? but a minute of staring at a baby's face while sleeping peacefully is CONTENTMENT.

STARING at his MONKEY STUFF TOY and IGNORING EVERYTHING ELSE.

i'm getting jealous of that monkey! once he caught eye of that monkey he forgets his momma and everything offered to him! he would just stare and stare and stare at that small monkey. i wonder what Eros is thinking while staring endlessly at that monkey. maybe he wants a banana too?? lol.

and then there goes the toothless grin again.

hmmm...or maybe he's not looking at that monkey at all... at an unseen ghost maybe??? *scaaarry*

dealing with Eros's cough and cold

hoping that fever won't join Eros's cough and cold. so far, this is the 4th day that i've been monitoring the 2 c's. but hell, i'm out of my mind saying "what to do, what to do?", pacing the floor with Eros all night, and asking what he wants.  

doing advance-research on probable problems.

BRONCHITIS is the outcome of my research. *crossfingers* (hope not)

known someone with a child diagnosed with bronchitis and the signs are THERE with Eros.

doing what i can everyday. 

haaay. sana bukas ayos na si baby. he's just 3 months old and i shouldn't have let those culprits touch my baby. my fault. 

to his dad: no need to be mad at me for what i let happen to our son. i should be mad at you, too. reasons, reasons.

22df88ce-7e8e-4df9-b3e2-4456583c7383

1.03.01

such stupid paranoia..tsktsk..think again. and THINK all you want.

am i that bad? do i look like i'd make the same "mistakes" again? 

i'm not that DUMB to feel what you're up to. 

You're going to imprison me in this hell for until i've learned my lessons, right? 

i've been far too free for that first 3 years and i'm not fond of having anyone 

CONTROL my life and DECIDE for my self. i'm getting real pissed of your paranoia.

to set things straight: i'm not what you think i am.

i'm no fool to repeat the past and make myself miserable again. and thank my son for that.

you think i 'd run away, eh? well, i'd say to you: i ain't that dramatic.  i ain't that stupid.

(i know you're all too IDEALISTIC. well, i'm all too REALISTIC.)

care to think what all those fools went through after they ran away? nah, i can't be that miserable.

so, stop thinking of that crap about me. im 19. and im a big girl now. with a son, in tow. :'D

i'd rather be in this hell, with food, shelter, and soap.  rather than face hell while singing "love will keep us alive.."

(hahah. sorry bah.. it's true. i love you anyway.)

so what if over and over again you ain't gonna permit me to go home?

you're thinking that i'll just meet up with him and go crazy and stupid again huh... well, think again.

and think all you want. 

i love my son so much that's why i want US to go home and have that much-awaited meeting with my son's dad.

i want Eros to have that whole happy family. with a dad. happiness.

i dont want history to repeat itself and for my son to have what i had: a broken family.

but me and his dad talked about it, and we agreed to wait for the right time. 

but i just can't wait!!!!! (patience, patience.)

right now, it's gooood to have a HUGE PLAN for myself and Eros as well.

what is it? i'm gonna be a billionaire. so freakin' bad.

so long. weeeeeee. 

when will i learn?

everyday routine.

1. wake up WHENEVER eros would wake up. 

e.g. 12:00am-2:00am if eros wants to play.

2. facebook the day away with eye bags as company while eros is sound asleep.

3. breakfast at 10am, lunch at 2pm, & merienda at 7pm, in front of PC.

4. convincing self to at least nap/sleep while bz clicking the mouse for 5hours.

5. GET UP when eros needs feeding.

6. makatulog while holding eros

7. making sisi because eros is depriving me again of my sleep.

                                                                                    8. vice-versa.

HAVING TROUBLE BEING A RESPONSIBLE SINGLE PARENT.

Note: needs practicing.