Eros's Favorite Habits

 BABY TALK.

"...tapos baby, what happened next?" while listening to my baby Eros mumble and coo endlessly. He LOVES talking to his mom a lot. face to face. especially every night, at past 9, when our day is just STARTING. he may be a night owl but it's ok... :) he'd outgrow that attitude soon. anyway, i wonder what's inside a baby's mind? what does Eros think while looking at me with that big, adorable eyes? he always follow my movements and from time to time he would flash that toothless smile at me, wink those dimples back to life, and kick those legs. It never failed to wipe my 'pagod' and 'puyat' away. 

LAUGHING WHILE SLEEPING.

can you believe it?? Eros can already LAUGH at 3 months old! nah. not kidding. very true. WHILE SLEEPING. heheheh. sweet baby dreams huh... can all babies do that? at first, it was just a tilt of the side of his lips and next thing i saw it's a really big smile. i wish i seriously listened to my professors and not took for granted everything they taught while discussing the sleep process...the REM...the...the...i dont know..☻

anyway, i wonder why i love looking at my son's sleeping face... i should get some sleep while Eros's still fast asleep right? but a minute of staring at a baby's face while sleeping peacefully is CONTENTMENT.

STARING at his MONKEY STUFF TOY and IGNORING EVERYTHING ELSE.

i'm getting jealous of that monkey! once he caught eye of that monkey he forgets his momma and everything offered to him! he would just stare and stare and stare at that small monkey. i wonder what Eros is thinking while staring endlessly at that monkey. maybe he wants a banana too?? lol.

and then there goes the toothless grin again.

hmmm...or maybe he's not looking at that monkey at all... at an unseen ghost maybe??? *scaaarry*

dealing with Eros's cough and cold

hoping that fever won't join Eros's cough and cold. so far, this is the 4th day that i've been monitoring the 2 c's. but hell, i'm out of my mind saying "what to do, what to do?", pacing the floor with Eros all night, and asking what he wants.  

doing advance-research on probable problems.

BRONCHITIS is the outcome of my research. *crossfingers* (hope not)

known someone with a child diagnosed with bronchitis and the signs are THERE with Eros.

doing what i can everyday. 

haaay. sana bukas ayos na si baby. he's just 3 months old and i shouldn't have let those culprits touch my baby. my fault. 

to his dad: no need to be mad at me for what i let happen to our son. i should be mad at you, too. reasons, reasons.

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1.03.01

such stupid paranoia..tsktsk..think again. and THINK all you want.

am i that bad? do i look like i'd make the same "mistakes" again? 

i'm not that DUMB to feel what you're up to. 

You're going to imprison me in this hell for until i've learned my lessons, right? 

i've been far too free for that first 3 years and i'm not fond of having anyone 

CONTROL my life and DECIDE for my self. i'm getting real pissed of your paranoia.

to set things straight: i'm not what you think i am.

i'm no fool to repeat the past and make myself miserable again. and thank my son for that.

you think i 'd run away, eh? well, i'd say to you: i ain't that dramatic.  i ain't that stupid.

(i know you're all too IDEALISTIC. well, i'm all too REALISTIC.)

care to think what all those fools went through after they ran away? nah, i can't be that miserable.

so, stop thinking of that crap about me. im 19. and im a big girl now. with a son, in tow. :'D

i'd rather be in this hell, with food, shelter, and soap.  rather than face hell while singing "love will keep us alive.."

(hahah. sorry bah.. it's true. i love you anyway.)

so what if over and over again you ain't gonna permit me to go home?

you're thinking that i'll just meet up with him and go crazy and stupid again huh... well, think again.

and think all you want. 

i love my son so much that's why i want US to go home and have that much-awaited meeting with my son's dad.

i want Eros to have that whole happy family. with a dad. happiness.

i dont want history to repeat itself and for my son to have what i had: a broken family.

but me and his dad talked about it, and we agreed to wait for the right time. 

but i just can't wait!!!!! (patience, patience.)

right now, it's gooood to have a HUGE PLAN for myself and Eros as well.

what is it? i'm gonna be a billionaire. so freakin' bad.

so long. weeeeeee. 

when will i learn?

everyday routine.

1. wake up WHENEVER eros would wake up. 

e.g. 12:00am-2:00am if eros wants to play.

2. facebook the day away with eye bags as company while eros is sound asleep.

3. breakfast at 10am, lunch at 2pm, & merienda at 7pm, in front of PC.

4. convincing self to at least nap/sleep while bz clicking the mouse for 5hours.

5. GET UP when eros needs feeding.

6. makatulog while holding eros

7. making sisi because eros is depriving me again of my sleep.

                                                                                    8. vice-versa.

HAVING TROUBLE BEING A RESPONSIBLE SINGLE PARENT.

Note: needs practicing.

                                                     

THE ONLY EXCEPTION

"...I got a tight grip on reality but i can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream."

"...maybe i know somewhere deep in my soul that love never last. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face."

Lost Reality

bloodshot eyes. eye bags. unhealthy pallor. the effects of sleepless nights and a tired mind. can i just sleep it all off? dream forever? it's been years since i dreamed of sleeping forever. since the day when innocence and the smiling sun are gone. all childish hopes gone and faded away into darkness. i never thought it could be this HARD. i never thought my life would drastically change because of one mistake. LOVE. or was it really love? or just plain insanity? i could have ended it all years ago, but i can't. i don't know why. i just can't explain why i let go of my resolve and my sense of reality. that's what love can do. if you wanted to be loved, then you can't do nothing for that love. i learned a lot of lessons when I'm just 17? or 18? young. foolish. stupid because i let all those happen with my awareness. my heart is  full of ANGER and REVENGE and HURT. i let it all happen.

it's as if my childhood was taken away from me by force. by accident. and by nothing.

i let myself be carried away by the strong currents of that insane love. and now, I'm drowned forever in darkness. no, i couldn't let myself sleep all the darkness away, there's still hope. there's still life. the only light that i could cling into is Eros. the product of my childhood insanity and lost reality. and i wouldn't never let him see and feel the kind of life i lived. i would never consider him a "mistake" because he's a gift from God. a gift that could lead me into the light again.

i should be a painter. with my life as a canvas. with my sense of reality back, i could paint my and Eros's future. good journey. 

WIDE-EYED INNOCENCE

MY BABY: Eros Alekin

going 3 months old this 9/9. :']

i super loooove his yummy chocolate flavored sweet skin.

*sigh* wish he'd stay like that forever. my baby forever.

but i know time will come that some girl would steal my baby and make him her baby..awww. 

anyway, i'm super proud of the fact that he 1st smiled when he's only 2 weeks old.

and that's when he's asleep. (sweet dreams, eh?)

i love my baby.

mess with him, & ill mess with you big time.

(magkakulay sila ng poppa nya, kakulay ko din, so we're the chocolate family.weeee)

stupid kid + love = LESSON LEARNED

FRESHMAN.

...for that 1st year i usually go to school EVERYDAY. no absences, no tardiness. i remember i have such a 'weird' attitude when it comes to dressing up. black clothes. black & red eyeliner. my stuff that first year..c; i miss those. all the weirdness.

LESSON LEARNED: it's ok to be THAT unique. no one would try to accuse you of being a copycat. bwahahaha.

non grabe, wala akong bagsak na grades. except college algebra & physics. i felt like a retarded when it comes to those subject. grr. (never wanna repeat those na).

LESSON LEARNED: because of the present nursing curriculum nasayang lang yung 1st year namin na under pa kami sa college of arts and  sciences. but wait, there's more. why study algebra and physics when it has no connection to your chosen course?

i always want to be with no one. i found great happiness in myself. alone. with my own thoughts for my mind only. c:

but i could be good company. syempre naman. who isn't?  i found great friends naman that year no.

heheh..after school when there's nothing so much to do i would run to my room, wear my favorite clothes, and run to the nearest mall to play in WOF. i remembered how im so excited playing House of the Dead and watch with satisfaction as people began crowding beside me to watch me play. i so LOOOOVVE being gazed upon with awe and admiration.anyway, tapos ko na laruin yun and nagsawa nako sa walang humpay na pagmamaster at pagka-ubos ng 1week allowance sa isang araw.

i could spend 1k just playing in WOF. but then, tuwing pumupnta ako sa WOF i always spend a minute goggling my eyes at the pump it up nx dance revolution machine. hindi pako marunong non..and now because marunong na ko i thank god for the times i spent na tinititigan ko mga sumasayaw dun. watching their moves.

LESSON LEARNED: it's ok to be alone and FREE to do anything you want. as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone. minsan magsama ka naman ng iba kasi para ka ring tanga tingnan. c: besides, pag sanay ka na laging may kasama anytime anywhere, bka di mo na magawang magisa kailanman.

dahil sa gastador kong ugali, nakaranas akong hindi lumabas ng dorm at maghapon magdamag kumain ng oats.

LESSON LEARNED: save for rainy days. budget! magtipid! keep an account of your income & expenses! malay mo nahulugan kna ng 500 taz di mo na napansin kahit kailan!

then i met the love of my life.

ai nako ang masasabi ko lang, BAD INFLUENCE sya. he's like a drug na di ko maalis-alis sa system ko. unti-unti, i went through a lot of situations na noong una di ko napapansin na ang self-esteem and self-respect ko nawawala na. and here i am. a near failure.

for that time na we're together i experienced how to HATE so much, un tipong 1st time ko maka-feel ng sobrang hate na lahat kaya kong magawa to GET EVEN. did a lot of BAD things because of that hate. it's what love can do to us when it's TOO MUCH. abusive. love. hate. im so SCARED of what i could do to get even pag inabutan ako ng hate.

LESSON LEARNED: wag na muna mag-aasawa ng maaga. piliin mo yung taong mahal ka at nagtyaga sayo kahit na sabihin mo pa sa kanila na hindi mo sila mahal. it's stupid to hate and do what it takes to get even, because in the end IKAW DIN ANG MASASAKTAN. and it will haunt you to the death. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. too much love will kill you. TRUST. if that's broken then it will never come back. c:

LET GO, if you have to. sometimes love deceives us..and if you won't then it's too late. you can't be free forever. a prisoner of love.

madly in love for 2 years, 11 months, and 1 week

woah. woah.woah.

that's quite a LOT. geez.

don't know if i should be proud of myself or not. hmm.. wala lang. i can't sleep today (3am) dahil sa lintik na coffee na yun.

hay nako. wala kong masabi. bakit kaya naging ganito buhay ko.. i might be really crazy. para hayaan na maging ganito buhay ko. hehe. mula ng dumating si pio.

(flashback...flashback...flashback...)

2007. weeks after HS graduation. ilan taon palang ba 'ko non? (16 o 17..?ewan na..nakakalito magbilang ng months at edad.)

at home. doing nothing. uso pa kasi yung textmates noon diba..at "eyebol"..hehe..wala lang. ayun.

(shet. pag naaalala ko mga panahong yun, natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. stupid.) pero dahil bata pa ko noon i have a right to stupidity. hehe..tugshing..sapol. lupet ng excuse ko. so lame. sa ngayon kasi 16 or 17's not that young and stupid anymore. But i am. WAS. c: maybe some of you, WAS.

ayun nga. may 1, 2007. im doing nothing but text my idiot textmates when the phone rang. the PHONE RANG. (tama ba grammar ko? 'till now medyo lito pa ko sa mga verbs eh.) anyway,

ME: hello? (boses pusa pako non.husky.meow.:])

BOY: hello...ako c P..birthday ko ngayon. c:

ME: ha? ah.. ok.. hapi birthday.. (sa isip-isip ko lang gago to ah, kapal ng face. fc? close? di ko nman nga sya kilala. pero shet, ganda ng boses. makes my toes curl ang ganda ng boses nya.)

BOY: thank you. ah. ganda naman ng boses mo..etc. etc.

that's the start. weee. kabaduyan noh? haha. phone pal ba naman ang trip. pang-80's.

noon kasi, masyado pa ko mahiyain..insecure kasi ako eh. kasi ako's isang dakilang panget. kaya nga di ako nakikipag-eyebol eh. lolz.

tska isa ako noon sa mga batang kinikilig sa mga textmate e. hahaha! kaya ayoko ng makita nila ako kasi i don't want anybody to be disappointed sa makikita nila.

so, anyway, itong si P. nun umpisa pa lang ayoko na ng ugali. mapapansin mo sa kanya pagka-mayabang nya. and i never believed in him. first impression: bolero, babaero, sinungaling, at isang tipikal na lalake. nagalit ako for the sake of his gf that time kasi loko sya! makipag-kirz ba naman. taz ang malala sa akin pa. inisip ko non na ay wala to, di tatagal tong friendship na to. babaero eh. i hate every one of them. kasi nga insecure ako sa mga magagandang babae. (weird. i hate that behavior now) time passed by..naging madalas pag-uusap sa phone, text, phone. unti-unti na-dedelete na mga list ng textmates ko dahil na-focus na attention ko kay P. im getting fond of that beautiful voice. nagsimula nakong kiligin. when the phone rings, always alert. i dont know why we always talked at midnight til dawn. for hours. when the phone rings in the middle of the night while im asleep napapa-balikwas ako agad to get that call. kapay. c: and we talked for hours..hours..hours.. favorite topic: his beloved gf. aww. it's ok for me that time kasi haler, di pa naman kami, (why would i react badly to that, i have no right). pero paunti unti i started to be annoyed..started to get jealous..started to CRY.

start of my MARTYRDOM.

for months i feel like pwede nakong maging guidance councilor sa mga advices and encouragement na binibigay ko sa kanya eh, bout his gf. dont know where i got those pretty good advices cuz im still a N.B.S.B. hehehe.

he always call. when he's drunk. when he could not stand his supladang gf's tactics. when he needed someone to talk to bout his feelings.

ang lakas nya sakin. grabe. waking me up in the middle of the night to CRY and talk about his gf. there's that time when he said "i love you". he's drunk alright. and maybe he's not in the right mind. my helpless heart skip a beat when his beautiful voice said it. but sadly i have to give up the thought of accepting that phrase so carelessly said by him. happy. hurt.

the next day, it's as if nothing was said.

we continued to talk. bout that gf.

weeks passed. enrollment for college came. i remembered he even volunteered to come with me so we can see each other for the first time, but i declined. because of that stupid "im ugly he might be disappointed" thought.

weeks passed..1st day at Naga..1st day in my new dormitory.ist night to be lost in a new city to buy school supplies.1st giddy feelings...of excitement. wanderlust. freedom. 1st day of doom's days. (aww.heavy)

1st book i read on my 1st night alone in a strange city: A Walk to Remember by nicholas sparks. (aww.such a lovesick fool)

i can say that im soooo very innocent that time. young. innocent. stupid.

(forward..forward...)i haven't believed in him when he talked of how many times he and his gf went to almost all the hotels in the city cuz i believed that it only happens in movies and they can't possibly do that. hehehe..stupid. one time he asked me to help him on his gf. again. his plan was to make his gf come back and love him again. days passed. he called me. said he & his gf's together again. how? expensive hotel, petals on bed..everywhere, chocolates, and a ring. surprised gf cried. etc..etc...and there they go. happy again.

never believed that at first. im so happy for him. hurt.

hurt. i dont know how it happened really...:'(

i started to fall helplessly. hopelessly. in love with my friend.

time passed. dorm. 2minutes walk to school. 4minutes walk to the mall every other day after school to play at WOF. run when it rains. back to my dorm. and there goes my peaceful life. until i met P for the first time one night.anyway, kami na pala non..

simulan na ang digmaan. simulan na ang kahibangan. simulan na ang katakot-takot na kasuklaman. love. love. love. HATE a lot.

THE END.

(present.) 6 in the morning. sitting in front of the pc. sulking. di makatulog because of that damned coffee. alert for any signs that Eros needs my attention. wishing P is beside me.

bitin ba? tinatamad na kasi ako eh. next time na lang.

Pio made this ages ago.