Big Deal (part 1)

 

...so Pio accidentally read this JOKE thing between me and my beloved former classmate/friend. And the rest is bullshit.

Big Deal (part 2)

...so Pio haven't read this. lol

Priorities

Since recently/currently my son is my ultimate priority, because of that new simcard and the invention of unlicalls, the no. 1 place on my priority list is in DANGER. And it's because him. Everyday when everything's alright in my world and when I'm in a mood to think of those should-be-forgotten feelings, I let my self think of him. And of happy ever afters again. 

But then, at the end of the day, when something came up, something that would remind me of more doubt and hate, everything would fall into it's RIGHT place. In reality. I'm being woke up by those hateful feelings again. And started thinking of regrets. Regretting buying that new sim, and regretting having communication with him once again. And I'll be with my new sulky self again. Death of ever afters again. Thrown into reality again. Hate.

I haven't learned all my lessons. I know. Still immature. And with him, I cannot move on and have that life I deserve. Life of no regrets. Life full of love. Alone with Eros. And no heartaches everyday. 

I have the CHOICE. I can freely let myself go... I know, what my mind tells me to do is the RIGHT thing to do, but...

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Eros Alekin at 5 months

Different mood. Different expressions. Happiness

Eros's funny video:
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1625.mp4
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1626.mp4 
http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/vampiria_13/?action=view&current=GEDC1521.mp4

So it's the damned MOVIE

now tell me: am i being OA?

Someone lend me her unlicall-for-5days-simcard. And I gladly took it thinking that I could call him. Tonight is the 2nd night I used it to call him. And for 2 nights while talking to him I dont know why every little mistake (eg. when he would answer seconds late or when I don't like what he says) he made makes me super ANGRY to the point of crying. I know it's absurd and OA to be "on edge" whenever I'm talking to him but I can't help it. And I don't know why. 

Tonight, I called at 6pm. He's still in school. OK. That's just fine with me. He texted a little while that he's at the bus, going home. That's still OK. I ate dinner, played with Eros a bit, and slept a little beside Eros. I woke up at 9pm. Called him, thinking that he should be home already. He was. Said he would eat first. And I burst out again in anger. And said goodbye. After a while, I calmed down and began thinking reasonably again.

After past half an hour I called again, thinking that he's finally done eating. 

He hang up on me. My anger is back again. For twice he hang up. I'm trembling because of so much hate and anger I felt. It's not new. But it tends to make me forget my self and do something stupid like destroying the simcard (which is NOT mine) and banish him from my life forever without listening to his alibis. He texted after a while that HE'S WATCHING A MOVIE. AND HE JUST TEXT ME WHEN I can call again. After the movie. The first thing that entered on my mind: He preferred the movies, rather than  me. I called him up again in anger, he answered. And with trembling voice, I told him all the anger I felt for what he did. 

I can hear the tears in my voice, and I can't just cry my eyes out, while talking to him. I can't afford to be that helpless and vulnerable to him. Never.

He apologized over and over again. He said he won't watch the movie anymore and just talk to me all night... etc. etc.. He soothed my anger away and I gave way to REASON and calmness. I calmed. And he told me that I'm being OA... Always angry for every little thing. Angry because he would eat dinner, angry because he was low bat, angry because he's not yet home, angry because he's washing his clothes, and angry because he wants to watch a movie.

So... am i being OA?

(gosh. i hate this day. I hate my "english" on this post. sorry)

Pacquiao's Victory + Mom's 1st Birthday in Heaven

Woke up at past 11am. Said HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Nanay, said a little prayer for her, and went outside to look for Eros. To find so MANY people at the garage waiting for Manny Pacquiao's fight with Antonio Margarito. Thanks to my uncle's passion for boxing and Pacquiao, he paid for a LIVE stream for this fight. And the neighborhood are so much welcome to come and see it LIVE. 

PRAYERS really can do wonders. I noticed Manny praying many times on the ring. Before the fight, during the fight, and after the fight. I understand where all that power came from for him to defeat Margarito. But then, it's really a good fight since no one was knocked out cold and the fight lasted 12 rounds. I feel sorry for Margarito's face after the fight and even during the first part. ^_^ He really looked AWFUL. Thanks to Pacquiao's iron fist. And on second thought, I thought that of all turtles, Margarito was the SLOWEST. 

Anyway, fight's over. Manny won. And my mom is happy in heaven. (for sure she watched Manny's fight there also).

Looking forward for a more beautiful day today.

First Trip To the Church

Later this afternoon Me, Eros, and Mama Ikay went to the church to inquire about Eros's baptism. Random baptism is being held there every Sunday. 

So, this is my lesson for the day:

1. Eros can be baptized any "sunday" schedule that we want; with or without a "fixed"/registered birth certificate

2. I shoulf "fix" the birth certificate before the 'week-after-the-baptism' ends. (If I can't make it on time, somebody at the church would have no choice but to write MY surname on Eros's baptismal record.)

3. Pio SHOULD come HERE to help me fix the birth certificate of our son. (They say the father should be PRESENT when registering the birth certificate, since we're not married.)

4. Re-schedule Eros's baptism for December. (to be sure)

5. SAVE.

Love Hurts 2

Why do we let something like a LIE pass as easily when we're in love? Why do we always UNDERSTAND everything? Why do we have to be so STUPID when we're actually NOT? Why can't we just let it all stop, move on, and live a brand new life? 

It hurts. But because we don't want that love to be lost, we can accept every hurt  that came our way because of that love. Sometimes, we can't understand what's happening to us. Our mind is always battling with our heart. And it all gets complicated and absurd.

Have you ever felt 'weak-kneed' whenever hate consumes you because of love's betrayal?

A damned miserable feeling that is... And after sometime or so, you would calm. Tired. As if lifeless. And then your stupid heart would makes excuses again for those mistakes, and all over again that cycle would continue.

Love Hurts

when will I stop being stupid? when will I have a grip on my emotions? I'm so TIRED, yet I can't move on. My heart is SO tired loving someone my MIND haven't loved for a very long time. When will I stop thinking of happy ever-afters? I've been hurt many times. And NEVER moved on. Damaged. And never will heal without having REVENGE. That's what I always think of everyday. Getting even. Making his life hell. Like what he did to my life. And I loved so much that I can't let him slip from my grasp. Still got a tight death-grip on his neck. And I love every second of the way he would choke on my HATE. Oh, what satisfaction that is! When I could remind him of those unacceptable things he did in the past, and IS now suffering for it. And I'm not yet DONE. Until all hurt had died down, and all pain vanished, and scars from the past healed, I can't forgive and forget.

May God have mercy on my damned soul.

what other people SEE

11/08/10

It's really good to have other people to talk to. (most especially strangers). They would give you the best unbiased answers and advises. Facts of life. And maybe their own lessons in life.

I'm so happy I could vent out frustrations through the forums of Smart Parenting.

(not saying getting lots of ideas and answers on parenthood).

http://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parentchat/index.php?topic=21643.msg301523#msg301523

For Good?

Nov. 6, 2010. past 9 am. woke up hearing my celphone ringing. It's my boyfriend.
Well, last night he haven't called when he said he would. I'm literally wide awake at past 3am. waiting for him, and for his explanations. Nothing. Nakatulog na lang ako sa kakaisip sa mga katarantaduhan nya noon. Na hanggang ngayon nakakasakit pa rin saken. I'm Miss Bitterness, you see... Maybe for good, this morning, afetr he called, I cut my simcard to pieces. And promised myself to never have conversations and communication with him again. Since I'm getting sick thinking of his stupidity.

 Woke up again at 1pm today. Brushed my hair. AND THIS IS WHAT I EARNED. Handful of hair. falling hair. I'm getting BALD! ohmyGod. What's happening to my hair?! Everyday, I would only touch my hair, tug a little and there goes my hair....
Oh we-ll.

First Foods for Eros at 5 months

 bought this Oct. 31 at Healthy Options. During Eros's first trip to the mall. Haven't exactly planned to feed Eros since he will just turn 5 months old. (i plan on giving him his first foods when he turned 6 months)

 Tried using Pigeon's soft tip spoon at first, but shifted to dropper for ease. LOL.

doesn't want to have that kind of "mess" again when using the spoon.

 making sour faces while tasting his first food. He seems to not like apples. *maasim mode*

Sweet potatoes and bananas he liked best. ^_^

Home. And Eros had his first taste of apples. LOL. (using Pigeon's soft tip spoon)

*momma's so excited*

Effects of their MEDDLING

Nov. 14, 2010. On that upcoming day I plan for Eros to have his baptism. I'm currently planning for everything: food, ninongs and ninangs, my "outfit", Eros's "outfit", etc... etc... but I don't really know what would happen or (IF everything would HAPPEN) without the birth certificate.

Gosh, that paper's the BIGGEST problem in this occasion. And I can't do anything about it but wait for it. Wait for my uncle to arrange the papers in the city hall, wait for him to come home, waited for still NOTHING, and remind him almost everyday. Actually, I've been doing those for a month after Eros was born. 

From what I can read above, I may seem to be an irresponsible parent since I can't even arrange my son's birth certificate by myself and even ask other people/older people to arrange it for me. But then I have all the reason in the world for my "bad" attitude.

It all started days before July came and I'm so anxious because I haven't still arranged Eros's birth certificate since they said I should try to arrange all before July 10, (i gave birth to Eros on June 9). 

Me and Eros's dad is not married so at the clinic they said that the father would be the one to arrange the birth certificate at the city hall because of the fact that we're not married & all... It needed the father's signature. So I went to ask my uncle if my boyfriend could come here in our house for the two of us to arrange everything but he declined (he's just following orders from his wife, anyway...)

I'm just so effin' tired of all the "drama" in my life, they kept on meddling on everything.

They said a signature is what the birth certificate needs. "pipirmahan lang naman yan, di na nun kailangan pumunta dito." Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a crime right? is it forgery? to copy a signature and blah blah blah? THEY want to do that. Since they're so good at everything and they're more experienced on that kind of thing than a stupid teenage mom like me, I gave my uncle the paper and told him "ok. bahala kayo. kayo na lang po mag-asikaso nyan since kayo may idea ng dapat gawin...etc.etc.."

July came. August... September... October... and now, November. The month of my son's christening.

Again I reminded my uncle about the certificate, and in my mind I can see the birth certificate "rotting" in a corner, in some place I don't know. 

I said the birth certificate's the requirement for baptisms. He said my son could be baptized with or WITHOUT the birth certificate. 

10 days from now, It's the awaited day. But I can't see any improvement and any action on my uncle's part.

I plan for so many things but "they" always are blocking my way. I can't fulfill anything because of their damned meddling. 

I really hope God would help me. And show me what I should do instead.