Eros's 1st indulgence

Eros: The sky is blue outside SM Clark. (while lying on a bench at The meeting place).

FAT

they say I still got that hot body after giving birth. some say i don't look like i've given birth. many, got envious of this 'fatless' and 'skinny' body. But my boyfriend hates my being skinny. He wanted me to have pounds and pounds of fat! He likes me to be chubby! 

Yeah, actually, I want that too... But all my life, I've never been FAT. And when there comes a time when i've gotten fat, I'm scared that my confidence in myself would be wiped out. And I'm left with what all skinny ladies despised most: FAT. 

BUT, BUT, BUT. A lil' FAT won't hurt right?

BUT, BUT, BUT. It's not as if my current bod looks like skeleton! I don't look like I'm being starved, right?

Well, I decided: FAT or NOT, I'm still confident that my boyfriend and my baby would still LOVE me. 

♥♥♥٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶♥♥♥

when a jobless TEENAGE mom PAYS for everything

Unplanned pregnancy, unfinished schooling, irresponsible boyfriend, poverty, and an idealistic and perfectionist family. What's next? It's NEVER been good to feel like what I'm feeling everyday since a year ago when my life turned a drastic change. To feel like my teenage life is suddenly stolen from me and I don't anymore have a right to enjoy acting and doing stupid things a kid is entitled to do. Maybe that's the price of having most of my teenage life 'under my control' and not my parent's. Then, for 3 years in college I've been away from home and living in a boarding house where i OWN my time and I could do anything I wanted. Everything happened in a blur. I haven't got the chance of THINKING about possibilities of me being in a wrong situation, in a wrong place, and in a wrong time. I experienced it all. Those bad influences... etc. And even having that much money monthly is HEAVEN. I took everything for granted. Selfishness of moi. I'm such a stupid kid on her way to adulthood. And then, I've gotten myself pregnant. And all hell broke loose. Until now.

Everything happened so fast, my mom died, (and all my life i would regret whatever I have done to cause her so much "sama ng loob"). And i SWEAR TO MY MOTHER's GRAVE that "THAT" person would pay for the super  pain that "she" caused to my mom months before she died. I would never forget how HATE still consumes me (even now) whenever I remember that "bitch" who attacked me while I was 9 months pregnant and the way she did it in front of my sick mother. I didn't know disrespect could do so much harm especially when other people do it to my own mother. 

I know because of teenage angst, I've been disrespectful to my mom also. But I would pay for it, someday, I'd pay it with success. 

Anyway, now that my mother's dead, I feel like the "help" she would always give to that family is now my "responsibility". I've been receiving text messages asking me money for their kid's tuition fees, bills, and necessities... etc. And I, with the desire to see my little cousins finish school and blah blah, would always promise to give what i can, even if I'm so "gipit to death narin" because I have my own son to feed. And primarily because I'm a jobless teenage mom who depends on my father's humble padala monthly. (Christ, but I'm even a "palamunin" in my relatives house). The LESSON that I would like to instill to the parents of my little cousins is that, AS PARENTS, THEY HAVE THE OBLIGATION TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR THEIR CHILDREN, AND NOT DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE. In their case, there's no room for shyness. For God's sake, they're old enough to find a job and even "make" a business for their family to move on. 

I'm currently planning to save and make them a family "business" that they would take care so that they wouldn't be asking people for money for their children. And that's the last thing I could do for them. They should strive to make my planned business a success.

Well, I'm a bit idealistic also, and whatever is happening right now in this "new life" of mine, I'ts a START. I have so much plan and I decided to take everything seriously from now on. For me and Eros's FUTURE. In 2 months time, I've no reason to act like a stupid kid again, because I'll be 20. getting ready for maturity to kick in.  *cheers*

momma's baby boy version

There was a point in my life where i so despised what i LOOK. I would do everything to make my face look like what i want it to be, lessen that big and wide-eyed look, make that pouty mouth thin, and mess with my hairdo to make my round, circular face an illusion of what shape i'd like to have.

But then, when my baby boy Eros came, I conclude that really God has a sense of humor. For making my son the mirror image of moi. ^_^

Even the way he would pout that mouth is sooo much the same as mine. The habit is very remarkable. And it's my famous habit and what people noticed the most and the reason behind family jokes.

Although there were times that I still don't want what I would see in the mirror, I accepted all that. My flaws and imperfections. Nobody ain't PERFECT. At least I'm so thankful that my boyfriend accepted everything about me, from my "flawful" appearance, to my moody disposition. And i love him for that.

A bit disappointed about our son's look (for the time being Eros looks like his momma & never got anything from his daddy, maybe after few more months... ^_^ ), but he loved our son as much as he loves me. 

Indeed, GOD has a sense of humor.

on having MONEY

LOL. Why is it that whenever we come across to having large amount of money we get this 'happy-beyond-reason-and-life-is-beautiful' feeling? 

Maybe there is truth in this saying, ''money is the root of evil", but is it, indeed? For me, (and for other poor people) there is no 'evil' in having money, but only HAPPINESS and contentment and satisfaction. hehe...

If you've been poor sometime in your life you could only wish that a taste of money for a 'second' last for a lifetime. But in the end, MONEY would be gone. It was as if you never got hold of money. And you start being SAD again, not to mention 'apathy''s back again in your life.

Good to the feeling of spending money on anything and everything you want... but it's just for a moment. And the moment would come when all money's gone again, and you could only do nothing but regret about not SAVING. 

Anyway, I'd better save for the rainy days. Learn to wipe IMPULSIVENESS away.

wala akong pera! kailangan ko mag-trabaho!!!!!

the longest sentence running on my mind since last month.

but until now, still, NOTHING. I've got nothing figured out and I can't make out plans. (maybe for some people because of the fact that i can't make out plans, I'm not that interested and determined). Well, i don't care about what others think. Because I REALLY NEED TO FIND A JOB! or at least do something worthwhile for this 'vacant' 8 months until school starts on June. (am i really going to continue school? for real? aww. hope so.)

Call Center Agent/Representative.

It's the only job i could think of for the moment. Why? Because there's no age limit, ANYBODY can apply (grad or undergrad, HS graduate), quite BIG salary, and from what i heard applying in a call center is sooo 'chicken'. I mean, it's so very easy to enter that world. (i should add "i'm willing to be trained" to my answers during interview. lol) 

I'm a Nursing undergrad. (di naman siguro ko uuwi ng luhaan, right?). And my "english" is not that poor naman, it's only 'satisfactory'. hahaha.

I'm doing this for Eros. It's time that I should think of something while passing the time. I can't think of anything to do for 8 months but WORK. I noticed that Motherhood is not that easy, not easy for a "formula-feeding" mom who every 2 weeks buys milk with that scary price. Honestly, everyday, if there's something in mind that I would like to buy for Eros, I could only do nothing but wallow in self-pity since I can't give anything to him. I feel like I'm a very unworthy parent. 

That's why i need to save. save. save. for Eros.

when would i really set my mind into it?

momma & daddy's 3rd anniversary 10-13-10

3 years ago. 16 y/o. first time to have a boyfriend. a giddy feeling. and now, i'm 19. still reckless as ever. i'm still in love with the same boy.
3 years ago. he's barely 19. why i let myself be carried away this far by that boy, i don't know. but i don't really regret the fact that before i die, i'm one of the lucky ones who knew LOVE. and the feeling of being in love.

almost a year since we last set eyes upon each other because of certain circumstances...(too complicated and risky to say those circumstances here)... its as if a part of me was missing since we part ways.
And 2 months from now, no matter what happens, i'm going to see that boy again. this time with our child, Eros.
At least for a moment, Eros would have his family complete...
maybe, if God is really merciful, he would let us go home...even if it means only a moment...or a day or two.

our love is too complicated and i don't know where to start our story, and what happened in between. and what will happen in the end.

IS THIS REAL?

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1.03.01

Roll over baby!

a week since Eros's 4th month... *sigh* i really shouldn't be getting this LAZY at opening my blog and writing my entries. sad to imagine that i let pass many splendid moments and haven't wrote something about it, especially those amazing feats that my now 4 month old baby can do. (actually, he can do those feats days before his 4th month. hahaha!) 

to be specific, he can now roll over... and he's now at risk of falling in bed. I wonder what happened to those "small baby" movements..."Malikot" times are here now. And he's getting real naughty. Too early for his age but nothing can take away my happiness. I'm so proud of my son's achievement. 

He has this smile that could really wipe away my pagod and puyat, (as opposed to my strong belief that babies actually CAN'T, because they really could make you look ahead of your real age). But now, since the first time he smiled and laughed, it never fails to "refresh" me... sometimes, he would look at me while i'm chatting to him... like he's paying attention to every word i say intently, and as if understanding what i'm saying, and then he would smile... sometimes, it brought tears to my eyes. 

Currently, he's more fond of sleeping on his stomach than on his back... i wonder why...

and when he's awake, he would always roll over and hold his head up high.

i'm so excited in the months to come! and his first foods!

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1.03.01