Lost Reality

bloodshot eyes. eye bags. unhealthy pallor. the effects of sleepless nights and a tired mind. can i just sleep it all off? dream forever? it's been years since i dreamed of sleeping forever. since the day when innocence and the smiling sun are gone. all childish hopes gone and faded away into darkness. i never thought it could be this HARD. i never thought my life would drastically change because of one mistake. LOVE. or was it really love? or just plain insanity? i could have ended it all years ago, but i can't. i don't know why. i just can't explain why i let go of my resolve and my sense of reality. that's what love can do. if you wanted to be loved, then you can't do nothing for that love. i learned a lot of lessons when I'm just 17? or 18? young. foolish. stupid because i let all those happen with my awareness. my heart is  full of ANGER and REVENGE and HURT. i let it all happen.

it's as if my childhood was taken away from me by force. by accident. and by nothing.

i let myself be carried away by the strong currents of that insane love. and now, I'm drowned forever in darkness. no, i couldn't let myself sleep all the darkness away, there's still hope. there's still life. the only light that i could cling into is Eros. the product of my childhood insanity and lost reality. and i wouldn't never let him see and feel the kind of life i lived. i would never consider him a "mistake" because he's a gift from God. a gift that could lead me into the light again.

i should be a painter. with my life as a canvas. with my sense of reality back, i could paint my and Eros's future. good journey.